Monday, December 22, 2008
I came across the video on The Young, Black, and Fabulous (TheYBF.com). I don't usually bring up politics and in no way am I trying to now but I believe in love and this video made my heart dance. (Plus, this is my favorite song on Musiq Soulchild's album "On My Radio.")
God is Love. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I so don’t belong here. I’m supposed to be where the big city lights are singing and dancing (in the streets), living in a loft, and writing for BlackBook, Vibe, Vogue, Essence, and myself! All kinds of clip ideas run through my head--so many that I lose them to forgetfulness before I can write them down. I should have a laptop nearby at all times or at least a pen and paper. But I’m stuck putting in work for others and trying to figure out how I’m going to get out of paying these loans (feeling claustrophobic, too). Can’t breathe between these walls and there are no windows in the office. Clutter is everywhere. I just want open space, a desk, a computer, and hardwood floors. Well, I would need internet access of course. What good is a computer without it?
Like a mouse in a maze, how do I get outta here, dammit! I’ll take that cheese though! (Hey, a girl’s gotta live.) I have a mean shoe habit to support and these bills don’t pay themselves! But I sure wish they would. And while I’m wishing, how’s about money growing on trees? That would be nice-- life amidst the forest of money trees. But if it’s not one thing, it’s another. So, I suppose I’d just find something else to moan about. Maybe it’s just the Virgo in me but what if I don’t believe in astrology?
I know I’m going to be great. I just don’t know how. Is it possible to be more than that in more than one way? I used to think music was my venue but it now reminds me of an ex husband with whom I have children and am bound for life. I feel like a divorcee’ and have never been married (or even in a serious relationship for that matter). I was once in love until one day, I looked around and realized that I was there alone. But that’s a horse of a different color (as my mother would say). Speaking of things my mother said, I will have what is meant for me and that really makes me wonder…if I ever gave a f*** about you! Give me something to believe in ’cause I don’t believe it’s true anymore. (Shoutout to Maroon 5; Those were lyrics just in case you didn‘t get it.) Okay. Disregard everything post ellipses. But seriously, I wonder what is for me?
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
It's about that time! (Quitting time is what I'm referring to just in case you were wondering.) This just may be the longest few minutes of my life so, let the countdown begin!
Monday, December 1, 2008
I don't really feel like speaking but I manage to say, Hello?
...No response. I listen a little while longer then repeat, Mm. Hello?
It's him. What up?
I grimaced. I hate when you say that.
What's wrong? Why do you sound so down? I smiled on the inside but it didn't translate to my face.
Nothing. I lied. I just didn't want to share. I planned to avoid acknowledgment as long as I could. I was mad at him but I couldn't bare telling him because it seemed so silly.
You don't have any reason to be sad. Where are you? He was always so sincere. (That's why I loved him.)
At the park. I still didn't feel much like talking but for him, I'd try.
At the park?! He repeated as if I hadn't spoken the King's English. What are you doing at the park?
Nothing. I paused. Thinking.
Thinking about what? I knew he would say that so, I fixed my mouth to lie again.
Nothing. (This response was rapidly growing old and I could hear the aggravation in his voice.)
He started to pose another question but instead said, I'll be there in a minute.
I couldn't help myself. The tears rolled down my face just as soon as I hung up the phone. I didn't want him to see me crying so I tried to wipe them away but for every one I swiped, two more fell in its place. Just as the well ran dry, I looked over my shoulder and he stood there in the rain. I unlocked the door and he got in. Neither of us spoke. I rose from my slumped position, met his embrace, and I have no idea what happened after that.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Now, I know I have been hard on Bey, but this is the last thing I'm gonna say about her. I promise (well, at least until she or "her camp" makes another ridiculous statement).
The next Wonder Woman?...I'm really fighting the urge to say, 'B**** please!' as I make the infamous boo-boo face.
Bey, I remember when you said your goal was to be the first African-American woman with a Tony, Grammy, and an Oscar and I truly admire your ambition but you're being a little audacious with this one. Calm down, honey. You're going to get your shine. You do realize you are not the only black female in Hollywood, right? Keep pushing your luck and you just might find yourself booted!
...But regardless of whether or not you get to strap on your Wonder Woman boots, Joe Camel Toe Z will always love you!
Friday, November 21, 2008
He calls just to say good morning and once more to hear my voice before he goes to bed. But I wonder where his passion lies. He's so calm and collected, it can be annoying! I find myself provoking him just for reaction! (Silly, I know.) I suppose I have enough zeal for the both of us but it would be nice to get a rise out of him every now and then (and not the kind that makes his pants tighter)!
I met his mother and I meet the grandparents tomorrow. I don't quite know where this comes from. We're not committed and we've never even kissed but at this rate, I will have explored the whole tree before the end of the week! I understand being close to the family but geez louise!! Can you say, "pressure?"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
And that's all I have to say about that...for now! I don't want the Beyonce fanatics to go all Sasha Fierce on me!
Oh! But the woman has a mean fashion sense though! I must give it to her there (her AND Solange)! As much as MTO (MediaTakeout.com, for those of you who don't know) rags on her (Solange), she makes fashion her own.
Speaking of making fashion your own, if I see one more woman wearing colored tights just 'to be different,' I'm going to scream!! Take the trend and personalize it! Everyone does not have the legs for tights and wearing all black does not justify a grown woman (I mean, 35+) in hot pink tights! C'mon! What is that about?
Okay, now I'm done!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
And that's a good question. What am I gonna do now? The beauty of mistakes is the lessons we learn from them, right? So, what have I learned? I have made this mistake before. Do I value acceptance more than my happiness? When those closest to (and around) me are not happy, it is hard for me to be happy but on the other hand, no one seems to notice my unhappiness. So. I'll pose the question again.
He just made it that much harder for a man to attain my attention. I feel for the next guy that tries to approach me because I now, know for a fact that the man of my dreams does exist. I am not saying that Maxwell is the man of my dreams but a man like him would suffice. I'm sure he has his personality flaws just as the rest of us do but his on stage persona embodies everything I wish my man would be. I'd already promised myself I wouldn't settle for anything less than the man I felt was designed perfectly for me. But now I am sure that it is possible. There is a man designed in perfection just for me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Somebody help me! I'm going through withdrawals. (Or at least this is what I'd imagine them to feel like.)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, With all lowliness and meekiness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ya are called in one hope of your calling; One Lord, one faith, one baptism, One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all. But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ. Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men. (Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth? He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.) And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of teh stature of the fulness of Christ: That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him all things, which is the head, even Christ: From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
We all have our own family history that shapes us into the people we are. We are affected in one way or another by the things that have happened to us. We all develop various defense mechanisms and coping skills. I avoid with humor or I simply change the subject. These are only short term solutions so these things that I avoid only fester (and manifest in some other way I'm sure). I always find myself searching for meaning. I rarely ever take things at face value. I just always think there's more to the story. I'm not sure why I am this way but...I am. There has got to be a reason that despite the fact that I have all ten fingers and toes, 20/20 vision, hearing (though selective at times), and a few talents, I am not happy.
I talked to my father today. I hadn't talked to him since uh, I don't remember. I'm not sure how to describe our relationship (and I use that term loosely). I don't remember much about my childhood or anything else these days for that matter. That's also a defense mechanism/coping skill (or whatever you want to call it) that I've developed. I tend to forget the unfortunate or force it into "the sea of forgetfulness" as my mother would say. So, I'm not sure if the fact that I don't remember much of what happened to me before middle school means those times were so "unfortunate" that I've blocked them out of my memory or I simply have a bad memory. But when I see little girls with their fathers, I find myself feeling nostalgic. I do remember watching boxing with my dad. He would straddle the piano stool in front of the big screen and eat bologna sandwiches while I sat on the floor at his feet asking questions. I still don't understand the sport but every now and then, I catch myself watching it (boxing) or rather staring at the tv screen in a daze while I reminisce.
I also remember one of the times my (half) brothers came from Connecticut to visit. I don't remember how old I was but I was a young girl. My brothers may have been in high school so I was probably in elementary school (first grade, maybe even kindergarten). Anyway. They rode the bus so my mother and I went to pick them up from the Greyhound station but we couldn't find them once we arrived. I looked out of the bus station window to the Burger King across the street and there they were sitting outside eating burgers. I always seem to remember the most seemingly insignificant things. I drive past that Burger King on my way to work and I think about that moment everyday.
I remember dreaming. I went through the entire set of encyclopedias and "dog-earred" every article about whatever musical instrument was on that page. I read them all for enjoyment. I taught myself to play the recorder and harmonica just because--period. No reason. Just because. I don't know what happened and I'm only 23 but sometimes I feel like my life is spent. My dreams have been dreamt. But sometimes...
...if I try hard enough, I can remember...
Friday, October 24, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Because I can feel everything (or so it seems), I want to get involved in everything but the reality is, I am human and I cannot do it all. I'm never satisfied. It's an insatiable hunger and it leaves me undone. I know May's anguish and distress too well. I often disguise my affliction behind humor and sarcasm but those that truly know can see. When it gets to be too much, I retreat...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
He is a man of few words choosing them every so carefully. We stand together in the silence of night staring into the sky until he says, "I adore you." He never looked away from the stars but he smiles and a dimple graces his face.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
He squated and leaned over. His locks tickled my back. In my ear, he said, "You're lucky I'm not the jealous type." His daring tone resonated. His lips rested against my face and my mind went blank--again. I looked up at him while searching for the words. I never found them.
Friday, October 10, 2008
I know you may be wondering why I bothered to post this picture. I found myself wondering the same thing while typing but I simply love this wavy mess of hair on my head! Sorry if you don't share my enthusiasm. Now that I think about it, I'm a little obsessive about my hair. I don't let anyone else style it because I have a style all my own. Besides, I figure, 'Why pay someone else to do what I can do myself?' So, if it can't be done between me and my mom, it just won't be done to this "head of hair." That's what she [my mom] calls it. I'm clearly just rambling now while I wait for him to call me back. Yeah, that's right. I said him. I've got a new one. I won't call him my muse or T.O.N.Y. yet but the text he sent me today still has me pondering.
When we met, I thought heaven must have lost an angel 'cause I could see it pointing at me thru ur blouse.
Boggled is my mind. I'm not quite sure what that means and I think that's what intrigues me. I know they say curiousity killed the cat but the funny thing is, I was wearing a dress!!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Diggin’ this energy and well aware that this will never stay between just you and me because I can barely contain myself. Here I am, head over heels, heels over head, and nose wide open. Mine prefers your scent over any other. But you’re unavailable right now so I’ll leave this message after the tone-- yours deep, rich, and resonating through the drums in my ear. The cadence heavy on the 808 and careful not to bust the tweeter--yet.
**Beep** I know you hear me calling, the inflection in my voice rising and falling. Intonation. Articulation. Modulation.
You study my instrumental melody. There are no words even close to my lips. But the sudden dip in my hips sends you to the next bar. This sixteen just as euphonious as the first. Almost reaching the pinnacle but not yet. Pause. Run the tape back, flip it, and turn up the treble.
This message is getting long. Let the machine stop. There’s no need for its technology. My voice coming through crystal clear and almost loud enough for the neighbors to hear--you playing my song. Tune’s stuck in my head--over and over again. No words. Just sound. Pounding the speakers and I’m riding the beat.
Far from ignorant of bliss like this and hooked on your refrain….
Monday, October 6, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
But I can't help but wonder if I'm wrong in my way of thinking. I mean, he's my father.
These are my thoughts on love. I believe in love-- nothing more and nothing less. After all, God is love.
I love every day and every breath. For it is a blessing, God's gift, and I am thankful.
Love is a verb. Just do it!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I pride myself on my ability to wear high heels on a regular basis and do it well (with the exception of the one time my beloved heels led me to the most embarassing/funniest tumble I've ever taken)! I remember it like yesterday although in actuality, it was almost five years ago. I was in undergrad and leaving class when I realized I left my umbrella. So, I, along with a friend, went back to get it. I suppose my feet got ahead me and the heel of my favorite Nine West shoes got hung in the cuff of my black wide leg pants. I stumbled for what seemed like twenty feet. I could not get my foot back on the ground to save my life! Finally, I gave in and fell to my knees but because of the momentum I'd built trying to regain my balance, I fell flat on face. And this was only AFTER my feet rolled over my head!! All I could do was lie there in utter disbelief. I could not believe what had transpired. And to add insult to injury (literally, I skinned my knee), my teacher came wobbling out of the building at what was full speed for her and yelled in her African accent, "My goodness! Are you okay? Should I call an ambulance?!" At this point, I managed to roll over and I'm lying on my back in the middle of the passageway laughing at myself. My friend has just now caught up with me. While trying (unsuccessfully) to hide her laughter, she urges me to get up. Here I am, a grown woman with a skinned knee! Luckily for me, this happened during the lunch rush so the majority of the students that normally congregate outside the building were across campus at the cafe. But still in shock, I made my way across campus to show my "battle scar" to my friends waiting inside the cafe.
Friday, September 19, 2008
My papa isn't dead. He's alive and I won't say well, but he's alive and not sick. It's kind of sad that these lines remind me of my dad (whom aside from the little bit of resentment I harbor, I love dearly...I think). I, like what now seems to be the majority of us, have divorced parents and a slew (that's the word of the day, i suppose) of half-brothers and sisters. In actuality, I have one half-sister and five half-brothers. I often wonder why this is. Why couldn't my dad choose one and be happy? Was it him, her, or a combination of both? I know why my parents split (or at least my mother's side of the story) but what about the others? What is this epidemic sweeping the nation? Maybe I'll come back to that later....
I'm not sure I blame either of them but it is very unfair to me.
I don't know my siblings and I miss my daddy!
That was a little Aaliyah for those of you who may not remember. (Lol) I got jazz personality, g mentality...remember? Hello, anyone? Okay. Nevermind. Anyway. I just came to say, 'Thank God its Friday!' I'm not so sure why I'm so excited but I feel encouraged today. About this time last week, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was beyond anxious about a slew of things that I don't care to detail at the moment. Maybe that is why I am so hopeful today--the absence of a house full of relatives kicking me out of MY bed and MY bathroom and the prospects of having my precious time back this weekend. All I need to make this day perfect is to find out the M.O.M. (minister of music) has reappeared. That disappearing act he pulled last week was NOT appreciated!! Talk about throwing someone under the bus. I was livid (which only added to my stress around this time last week). Even if he doesn't show, we'll be fine. I don't know how but that's the magic of faith. I must admit, though, that I am a little concerned because something just doesn't seem right. I can't help but wonder, 'What would make a man just not show up?' I mean, he knew he was going to absent so he could have at least put someone else in place. And I suppose the deacs didn't see fit to acknowledge this early on. The last minute is the best minute! I loathe (I'm trying to stop using the word "hate" for some odd reason) procrastination. Okay, well maybe I'm a little guilty of it myself but do NOT ask me to do something so labor intensive at the last minute! I take music and playing (especially for churches) very seriously because I view it as God's work. So, them having such blatant disregard for my time and energy really upset me! I thought I was over it but I notice a pattern and that upsets me even more. I do not work well under these conditions and it's very hard for me to hold my peace. So,...somebody please hold my mule while I shout!!!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
...I can sing, dance, and play five instruments (at least). And no, it's not because I'm black. Believe it or not, some of us have no rhythm and couldn't carry a tune in a bucket! And to add shock to injury, I don't really like fried chicken and I wish my parents hadn't been so creative when deciding on baby names. A simple 'Mary' would have sufficed. But being one of Charlie's angels isn't so bad. The whole constant mispronouncing and mispelling gets a little old but the confused expressions on strangers' faces at the sight of my name make me giggle a little bit.