Saturday, December 20, 2008

Wrong Place, Wrong Time

I so don’t belong here. I’m supposed to be where the big city lights are singing and dancing (in the streets), living in a loft, and writing for BlackBook, Vibe, Vogue, Essence, and myself! All kinds of clip ideas run through my head--so many that I lose them to forgetfulness before I can write them down. I should have a laptop nearby at all times or at least a pen and paper. But I’m stuck putting in work for others and trying to figure out how I’m going to get out of paying these loans (feeling claustrophobic, too). Can’t breathe between these walls and there are no windows in the office. Clutter is everywhere. I just want open space, a desk, a computer, and hardwood floors. Well, I would need internet access of course. What good is a computer without it?
Like a mouse in a maze, how do I get outta here, dammit! I’ll take that cheese though! (Hey, a girl’s gotta live.) I have a mean shoe habit to support and these bills don’t pay themselves! But I sure wish they would. And while I’m wishing, how’s about money growing on trees? That would be nice-- life amidst the forest of money trees. But if it’s not one thing, it’s another. So, I suppose I’d just find something else to moan about. Maybe it’s just the Virgo in me but what if I don’t believe in astrology?
I know I’m going to be great. I just don’t know how. Is it possible to be more than that in more than one way? I used to think music was my venue but it now reminds me of an ex husband with whom I have children and am bound for life. I feel like a divorcee’ and have never been married (or even in a serious relationship for that matter). I was once in love until one day, I looked around and realized that I was there alone. But that’s a horse of a different color (as my mother would say). Speaking of things my mother said, I will have what is meant for me and that really makes me wonder…if I ever gave a f*** about you! Give me something to believe in ’cause I don’t believe it’s true anymore. (Shoutout to Maroon 5; Those were lyrics just in case you didn‘t get it.) Okay. Disregard everything post ellipses. But seriously, I wonder what is for me?


Karyn Beach said...

I love Maroon 5! Anyway, it's hard to figure things out. I have a book I love to recommend called Do What You Are. It has a short Myers Briggs profile at the beginning, once you know which 'type' you are, there are chapters which tell you about how your personality types can be applied to work: what kinds of careers are best for you, what qualities you need in a job and which ones you can do without.

Just a thought! : )

jwriter said...

Go for yours. Make the moves you need to make. Use your gifts and talents.

E said...

I'm sorry your feeling down. As a friend told me the other day "you make your own fate."

Nicole said...

Thanks guys!! Its funny how some days I love my life and others, I wish it were different. I just happened to be questioning some choices on the day I wrote this entry. But I think I will take a look at that book you suggested Karyn (THX)!!! And I appreciate the encouraging words, J and E!!

A "Christ-Like" Prince said...

I don't know you but I do know that your time is coming...every frustrating night, every bored/idol day, everytime you clock in to your dead end job (quiet at kept) is pushing you closer to your destiny!!!! Life is not painting as it actually appears to be...its like one of those picture that you have to stare at long and hard and then you will make out what it really is. Use the frustration to push hard for what your heart desire but press even harder to hear what GOD desire of you!!! The Best is Yet to come.....your life was NOT drawn, planned, or painted to be pointless, frustrated, idol or dead...but it comes off that way because it keeps you hungery for more.

Thats all for now..don't to talk (I mean) type your head off.