Tuesday, November 11, 2008


As I was sitting in the big chair staring at the plaques and degrees on the wall, I realized I was doing it again. This is a pattern. It's no different from me telling everyone I wanted to major in Biology and become a doctor when I graduated from high school because it was the acceptable thing. It is just like the way I agreed to play for the church because it would have been unacceptable to decline. I always find myself making the acceptable decision only to later regret it--only in my head, of course, I would never let on that I am displeased with the acceptable. I like to pride myself on being honest and genuine but, here I am, lying to myself. If I try the acceptable and it doesn't work out, it's 'Oh. It wasn't your fault. Try harder.' But if I gamble on the not-so-acceptable and it blows up in my face, it's 'I told you that wasn't gonna work. You had no business trying that foolishness anyway. What are you gonna do now?!'

And that's a good question. What am I gonna do now? The beauty of mistakes is the lessons we learn from them, right? So, what have I learned? I have made this mistake before. Do I value acceptance more than my happiness? When those closest to (and around) me are not happy, it is hard for me to be happy but on the other hand, no one seems to notice my unhappiness. So. I'll pose the question again.

What am I gonna do now?


jwriter said...

Dang you are deep. And you must be living in my head. I don't know if acceptance and responsibility are the same thing, but I'm battling with being responsible right now. I've (for the most part aside from a few stupid choices) always made the responsible choice and yes it has kept me alive, safe, healthy, in a good position, etc, but at the same time why can't I be somewhat reckless?

I don't know what you're going to do 2Sense, but I do know that prayer works. (so saved lol.)

Nicole said...

Lol. Thanks, J! Yeah, prayer does work and I always employ that tactic but at times, I just can't help wondering about the what if's. You know, what if I had circled back. Or what if I had taken that scholarship and moved across the country from everything and everyone I know?...blah blah blah.....to be continued.

The Excuse Eliminator said...

Being responsible and accepting are different things. Sometimes being responsible means not accepting additional responsiblity.

The happiness of others is important, but so is your happiness and if it means that others will be temporarily unhappy then so be it.

When I was just out of college, I had a great job in the middle of nowhere, making next to nothing. When I was alone or hungry or coasting on fumes until payday, I realized that the only person broke or hungry or alone was me. My family could sympathize but I was the only one experiencing those hunger pains!

When you spread yourself too thin, the only one struggling is you. Some times you have to make the hard choices and most of the time, once you make them, you find they weren't so bad after all.

Funny ... I just blogged about something similar!

Nicole said...

Hey, that's just the advice I needed to hear! You are so right! THANX!!!