Heavy...Had to Get It Out

I'm so flustered the words won't come out. No one understands but I can't clarify. Even I don't get it. He asked me why I sound so down, I had no explanation, and I didn't even realize I sounded that way. I go through this EVERY week. This is not healthy. Could the timing have been any worse? I was just beginning to accept what life had become. Why can't I focus? Distractions, distractions, distractions. This makes no sense. I just want to disappear for a second--tie up the nikes and run. I just want to go away. This is the first time I've ever actually wished I had no musical inclination. I resent the gift. (I feel so ungrateful for saying that but...) I feel like I've been mollywhopped with a brick. I didn't even see it coming. I just wanted to play-- nothing more, nothing less. I'm not even sure I want to do that anymore. It's never enough. If I do this, I'll have to do that and that leads to more of this. This cause effects me negatively. Everytime. I let the devil steal my joy. It used to be such joy. It was my hiding place but I've been exposed. I HATE ROLLERCOASTERS. I don't want to ride. I want off!!!

Shooter

Dates a rapper b/c he plays with words but chooses the drummer b/c he beats it up and stays in pocket.

Insufficient Funds

I love Charlie. Lord knows it's true but has been a thorn on my rose and I don't know what to do. He's aging and going through the realization of past mistakes. I wonder how he's handling this but don't have the whatever it takes to call and listen to his moans and groans. This is partially because I tend to take on the problems of those I love (and I don't think I could bare the weight of his) but mostly because I just don't want to hear it. I know that sounds harsh and uncaring but I am at a place now where I'm trying to surround myself with positivity and encouragement. I am not accepting anything else. And as I've said before, I love him dearly but if that includes my father, so be it.

But I can't help but wonder if I'm wrong in my way of thinking. I mean, he's my father.

Affairs of the Heart

Honey, I love...
These are my thoughts on love. I believe in love-- nothing more and nothing less. After all, God is love.
I love every day and every breath. For it is a blessing, God's gift, and I am thankful.
Love is a verb. Just do it!

Dictionary.com

The condition of being unmarried is considered celibacy according to my favorite reference websites. I find this to be very interesting because when most hear the word, they automatically think--no sex. It's as simple as that. To others it is abstinence from sex for religious reasons. My pledge to celibacy may be a combination of all these things. I am unmarried and upon reaffirmation of my religious beliefs, I abstain. Furthermore, allowing another into your existence is complex enough without further complicating things with the desires of the flesh. It is easy to slip but we must remember the purpose. I know we've all heard it before. Sex was meant to be shared between a man and woman after making a lifelong commitment to each other through marriage. However, nowadays, marriage is no more than an excuse to wig out and wear white after labor day. Ask yourself. What is commitment and what commitment have I made?...I asked. Although it has been months now that I have gone without, I recommit to the vows I have taken. I serve one God to the best of my ability in the absence of perfection. I promise to love, honor, and obey-- in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer 'til death do us part. With this ring, I thee wed; in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Ventilation

How come? I often wonder if this is what I've been asking for. After some soul searching and several nasty moods swings, I've discovered that it is--maybe. I've got to be more careful and specific in my asking. I asked to use my musical talent and I've been blessed to do so (just not in the capacity that I'd hoped for). They say God has a sense of humor and I'm almost sure He just might be trying to be funny. Only problem is, I'm not laughing. I turned to my trusty dusty mirror, looked under my nose, and I couldn't find the humor. Mirror, Mirror, on the wall who's the greatest of them all? I'm blessed and I know I can. I just don't want to. It always comes back to this. Everyone wants to project their expectations and add their two but I cannot stand imposition. When I need your advice, I will ask for it. That's how I feel about it. Just because I can doesn't mean I will. I can jump off a bridge but you can be sure that I won't be taking any leaps any time soon. So, just get off my back and let me be-- what I want.

To...With Love

Sometimes you only think you're helping. I'm not talking because you're not listening. I wish I felt like someone understood. Instead it feels like foreign language and time is too precious to waste. So, I'll preserve what I have. I can show you better than I can tell you anyway. That is all. Don't hear me. I tried to tell you. Look around and don't see me. You've been shown.