Accepta-phobia

As I was sitting in the big chair staring at the plaques and degrees on the wall, I realized I was doing it again. This is a pattern. It's no different from me telling everyone I wanted to major in Biology and become a doctor when I graduated from high school because it was the acceptable thing. It is just like the way I agreed to play for the church because it would have been unacceptable to decline. I always find myself making the acceptable decision only to later regret it--only in my head, of course, I would never let on that I am displeased with the acceptable. I like to pride myself on being honest and genuine but, here I am, lying to myself. If I try the acceptable and it doesn't work out, it's 'Oh. It wasn't your fault. Try harder.' But if I gamble on the not-so-acceptable and it blows up in my face, it's 'I told you that wasn't gonna work. You had no business trying that foolishness anyway. What are you gonna do now?!'

And that's a good question. What am I gonna do now? The beauty of mistakes is the lessons we learn from them, right? So, what have I learned? I have made this mistake before. Do I value acceptance more than my happiness? When those closest to (and around) me are not happy, it is hard for me to be happy but on the other hand, no one seems to notice my unhappiness. So. I'll pose the question again.

What am I gonna do now?

This Time Last Week

Singing in my outside voice It's Friday and I'm ready to swing, pick up my girls, and hit the party scene tonight! OoooOhh, it's alright! Mmm. So, get up and let this funky mellow groove get you in the mooood cuz' you know it's alriiiiigghhhttt!

That was a little Aaliyah for those of you who may not remember. (Lol) I got jazz personality, g mentality...remember? Hello, anyone? Okay. Nevermind. Anyway. I just came to say, 'Thank God its Friday!' I'm not so sure why I'm so excited but I feel encouraged today. About this time last week, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was beyond anxious about a slew of things that I don't care to detail at the moment. Maybe that is why I am so hopeful today--the absence of a house full of relatives kicking me out of MY bed and MY bathroom and the prospects of having my precious time back this weekend. All I need to make this day perfect is to find out the M.O.M. (minister of music) has reappeared. That disappearing act he pulled last week was NOT appreciated!! Talk about throwing someone under the bus. I was livid (which only added to my stress around this time last week). Even if he doesn't show, we'll be fine. I don't know how but that's the magic of faith. I must admit, though, that I am a little concerned because something just doesn't seem right. I can't help but wonder, 'What would make a man just not show up?' I mean, he knew he was going to absent so he could have at least put someone else in place. And I suppose the deacs didn't see fit to acknowledge this early on. The last minute is the best minute! I loathe (I'm trying to stop using the word "hate" for some odd reason) procrastination. Okay, well maybe I'm a little guilty of it myself but do NOT ask me to do something so labor intensive at the last minute! I take music and playing (especially for churches) very seriously because I view it as God's work. So, them having such blatant disregard for my time and energy really upset me! I thought I was over it but I notice a pattern and that upsets me even more. I do not work well under these conditions and it's very hard for me to hold my peace. So,...somebody please hold my mule while I shout!!!