Heavy...Had to Get It Out

I'm so flustered the words won't come out. No one understands but I can't clarify. Even I don't get it. He asked me why I sound so down, I had no explanation, and I didn't even realize I sounded that way. I go through this EVERY week. This is not healthy. Could the timing have been any worse? I was just beginning to accept what life had become. Why can't I focus? Distractions, distractions, distractions. This makes no sense. I just want to disappear for a second--tie up the nikes and run. I just want to go away. This is the first time I've ever actually wished I had no musical inclination. I resent the gift. (I feel so ungrateful for saying that but...) I feel like I've been mollywhopped with a brick. I didn't even see it coming. I just wanted to play-- nothing more, nothing less. I'm not even sure I want to do that anymore. It's never enough. If I do this, I'll have to do that and that leads to more of this. This cause effects me negatively. Everytime. I let the devil steal my joy. It used to be such joy. It was my hiding place but I've been exposed. I HATE ROLLERCOASTERS. I don't want to ride. I want off!!!

This Time Last Week

Singing in my outside voice It's Friday and I'm ready to swing, pick up my girls, and hit the party scene tonight! OoooOhh, it's alright! Mmm. So, get up and let this funky mellow groove get you in the mooood cuz' you know it's alriiiiigghhhttt!

That was a little Aaliyah for those of you who may not remember. (Lol) I got jazz personality, g mentality...remember? Hello, anyone? Okay. Nevermind. Anyway. I just came to say, 'Thank God its Friday!' I'm not so sure why I'm so excited but I feel encouraged today. About this time last week, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was beyond anxious about a slew of things that I don't care to detail at the moment. Maybe that is why I am so hopeful today--the absence of a house full of relatives kicking me out of MY bed and MY bathroom and the prospects of having my precious time back this weekend. All I need to make this day perfect is to find out the M.O.M. (minister of music) has reappeared. That disappearing act he pulled last week was NOT appreciated!! Talk about throwing someone under the bus. I was livid (which only added to my stress around this time last week). Even if he doesn't show, we'll be fine. I don't know how but that's the magic of faith. I must admit, though, that I am a little concerned because something just doesn't seem right. I can't help but wonder, 'What would make a man just not show up?' I mean, he knew he was going to absent so he could have at least put someone else in place. And I suppose the deacs didn't see fit to acknowledge this early on. The last minute is the best minute! I loathe (I'm trying to stop using the word "hate" for some odd reason) procrastination. Okay, well maybe I'm a little guilty of it myself but do NOT ask me to do something so labor intensive at the last minute! I take music and playing (especially for churches) very seriously because I view it as God's work. So, them having such blatant disregard for my time and energy really upset me! I thought I was over it but I notice a pattern and that upsets me even more. I do not work well under these conditions and it's very hard for me to hold my peace. So,...somebody please hold my mule while I shout!!!